Our First Steps in Marrying Quaker Style

For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests' or magistrates'; for it is God's ordinance and not man's; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses.

--George Fox

Quakers have established certain procedures in the case of a marriage to be solemnized. This is partly to ensure that the legal requirements are observed and the proper records kept. Far more important, however, is the value of the procedure in emphasizing to those being married the solemn nature of their undertaking and to the monthly meeting (the administrative community of the church) the need to uphold the parties concerned, both during worship and thereafter.

Elisabeth is a birthright Quaker, coming from generations of Friends dating back to the 1600's and has been a member of First Friends Church meeting in Whittier since childhood. She and Michael made the decision to be married under the care of First Friends meeting some time ago and have since been attending meeting for worship together. Through attending meeting and spending time with Friends, Michael has seen the way open (to use another George Fox phrase) to becoming a convinced Quaker, as Elisabeth's father John was. Convinced means being in unity with the Quaker faith even without formal membership or being born into the faith.

We requested the meeting to appoint a clearness committee as part of our preparation for marriage. Our clearness committee is made up of three couples: our friends Bill and Marygene Wright, Ted and Mary Marshburn and Anne and Bedford McIntosh. Ted was a classmate of Elisabeth's mother at Olney Friends School and Anne and Elisabeth grew up together going to Sunday school at First Friends.

Meeting with our clearness committee provides the opportunity to explore the nature of our commitment. Prayerful consideration in a relaxed atmosphere with good friends (not to mention Mary's fabulous cooking) has indeed been time well spent.

The origin of the concept of a clearness committee was to ensure that persons contemplating marriage were "clear" of any encumbrance. Nowadays, the name is used to describe a process of queries and discussion--a way of deepening communication in our relationship.

The clearness process differs from pre-marital counseling as it flows both ways. The committee determines our clearness to go ahead as well as its own commitment to embrace us as a couple. The meeting’s oversight and care of our marriage does not end with the celebration but endures throughout our lives and we value its role in nurturing, supporting and celebrating our marriage when times are easy and during difficult times as well.


Our next step will be the submission of a minute presented by the committee to First Friends monthly meeting recommending that the marriage go forward. A minute is a statement of belief that an individual or group would like to record for others to see, both now and in the future.

We joyfully anticipate monthly meeting this Sunday!