Twenty-eight days from today, we will be married at the Quaker Meeting House in Adams, Massachusetts.
To us, a major part of being a Quaker means that you must, in the encouraging words of George Fox, let your life speak.
We have, therefore, made the decision to wed in Massachusetts in support of their recognition of marriage equality. This decision was immediate and simultaneous. In November ’08, we shared a common pain with many Californians with the passage of Proposition 8. Elisabeth looked at Michael and shared that she could not in good conscience be married in the state of California. And Michael looked back at Elisabeth and told her that he felt exactly the same way. We were instantly led in the same direction. It was truly what Quakers call an "opening"--an insight into how a witness or testimony can be acted out in everyday life.
We do not feel it would be right for us to walk into a California state office and receive a marriage license based solely on the fact that we are the right kind of citizens. In other words, straight.
Our decision was affirmed in a joyously inspiring way this summer when we worshipped with Lancaster Friends Meeting in Great Britain. We visited the same weekend that British Yearly Meeting met in York, and it was at this meeting that the decision was reached, by consensus, that same-sex marriages be prepared, celebrated, witnessed, recorded and reported to the state just as opposite-sex marriages are. This decision reaffirms the central insight that marriage is the Lord’s work and we are but witnesses. The question of legal recognition is secondary.
But this decision was further yoked with the stated intention to engage with governments to seek a change in the relevant laws so that same-sex marriages notified in this way can be recognized as legally valid. Registering officers of the British Yearly Meeting are not being asked to step outside the law. But revisions to Quaker faith and practice in Great Britain have been completed.
We believe that the mark of a true believer is a changed life and convictions arise from an inward spiritual experience. Historically, Quakers have been heavily involved in social issues including the abolition of the slave trade and slavery itself, equal rights for women and continuing efforts to resolve conflict peacefully and to not take up arms. In Lancaster, we shared in another deeply personal and emotional witness--that of Friends who felt upheld by their meetings in their relationships but regretted that whereas there was a clear, visible path to celebration and recognition for heterosexual couples, the options available for couples of the same sex were not clear and could vary widely between meetings. Friends who feel theirs to be an ordinary and private rather than an exotic and public relationship have had to be visible pioneers to get their relationship acknowledged and recorded.
It is our personal decision to married in a state where all couples who wish to join their lives can, both legally and spiritually, and we know it will not be met with universal approval. We are constantly reminded of the need for tenderness and acceptance towards those family members and friends who disagree with the nature of our decision. That's a core Quaker belief too.
So far, we have been inspired and warmed by those who have embraced our decision as well as those who have agreed to disagree with love.
Our vows in Massachusetts will be private. Just us. The Adams Historical Society is unlocking the door to the Quaker Meeting House for us to say our vows. This is the meeting house where Susan B. Anthony was raised. Then we will drive to Mohonk Mountain House for our wedding supper. Mohonk is a very special place for our family. Elisabeth's grandfather was the resort's house doctor in the '30s and her mother's family spent their summers there. Beth spent her honeymoon there when she married Bob Strader and they have plans to return for their twentieth anniversary in October. Elisabeth has visited there a few times but this will be Michael's first visit to this truly amazing place.
We are planning a vow-renewal ceremony aand celebration in Whittier in early 2011. In the meantime, the logistics and schedules of life must intrude and as we are both in the entertainment field (let alone Disney!), this is true tenfold. So we’ll be working hard while we plan our celebration with our family and friends. We’ll hopefully have a date for this very soon.
In the meantime, we are looking forward to standing together and exchanging our vows on June 15 along with a short visit to Mohonk and the wonderful scenic and historical places that the mountains of Massachusetts and New York offer in such abundance.
Love to all, Elisabeth and Michael
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Minute is Approved
On Sunday, our clearness committee submitted the following minute for action in Monthly Meeting at First Friends Church:
We recommend that the marriage of Elisabeth Graham and Michael Elliot take place under the care of Whittier Monthly Meeting. The committee named met with Elisabeth and Michael in open consideration of their readiness for marriage. They have followed through with suggestions by the committee and we endorse their marriage.
--Anne and Bedford McIntosh, Mary and Theodore Marshburn, Marygene and William Wright
And we joyfully report that the minute was approved.
We are grateful to our clearness committee for their love, fantastic advice and wonderful humor!
Next up: letting our lives speak...in Massachusetts.
We recommend that the marriage of Elisabeth Graham and Michael Elliot take place under the care of Whittier Monthly Meeting. The committee named met with Elisabeth and Michael in open consideration of their readiness for marriage. They have followed through with suggestions by the committee and we endorse their marriage.
--Anne and Bedford McIntosh, Mary and Theodore Marshburn, Marygene and William Wright
And we joyfully report that the minute was approved.
We are grateful to our clearness committee for their love, fantastic advice and wonderful humor!
Next up: letting our lives speak...in Massachusetts.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Our First Steps in Marrying Quaker Style
For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests' or magistrates'; for it is God's ordinance and not man's; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses.
Quakers have established certain procedures in the case of a marriage to be solemnized. This is partly to ensure that the legal requirements are observed and the proper records kept. Far more important, however, is the value of the procedure in emphasizing to those being married the solemn nature of their undertaking and to the monthly meeting (the administrative community of the church) the need to uphold the parties concerned, both during worship and thereafter.
Elisabeth is a birthright Quaker, coming from generations of Friends dating back to the 1600's and has been a member of First Friends Church meeting in Whittier since childhood. She and Michael made the decision to be married under the care of First Friends meeting some time ago and have since been attending meeting for worship together. Through attending meeting and spending time with Friends, Michael has seen the way open (to use another George Fox phrase) to becoming a convinced Quaker, as Elisabeth's father John was. Convinced means being in unity with the Quaker faith even without formal membership or being born into the faith.
We requested the meeting to appoint a clearness committee as part of our preparation for marriage. Our clearness committee is made up of three couples: our friends Bill and Marygene Wright, Ted and Mary Marshburn and Anne and Bedford McIntosh. Ted was a classmate of Elisabeth's mother at Olney Friends School and Anne and Elisabeth grew up together going to Sunday school at First Friends.
Meeting with our clearness committee provides the opportunity to explore the nature of our commitment. Prayerful consideration in a relaxed atmosphere with good friends (not to mention Mary's fabulous cooking) has indeed been time well spent.
The origin of the concept of a clearness committee was to ensure that persons contemplating marriage were "clear" of any encumbrance. Nowadays, the name is used to describe a process of queries and discussion--a way of deepening communication in our relationship.
The clearness process differs from pre-marital counseling as it flows both ways. The committee determines our clearness to go ahead as well as its own commitment to embrace us as a couple. The meeting’s oversight and care of our marriage does not end with the celebration but endures throughout our lives and we value its role in nurturing, supporting and celebrating our marriage when times are easy and during difficult times as well.
Our next step will be the submission of a minute presented by the committee to First Friends monthly meeting recommending that the marriage go forward. A minute is a statement of belief that an individual or group would like to record for others to see, both now and in the future.
We joyfully anticipate monthly meeting this Sunday!
--George Fox
Quakers have established certain procedures in the case of a marriage to be solemnized. This is partly to ensure that the legal requirements are observed and the proper records kept. Far more important, however, is the value of the procedure in emphasizing to those being married the solemn nature of their undertaking and to the monthly meeting (the administrative community of the church) the need to uphold the parties concerned, both during worship and thereafter.
Elisabeth is a birthright Quaker, coming from generations of Friends dating back to the 1600's and has been a member of First Friends Church meeting in Whittier since childhood. She and Michael made the decision to be married under the care of First Friends meeting some time ago and have since been attending meeting for worship together. Through attending meeting and spending time with Friends, Michael has seen the way open (to use another George Fox phrase) to becoming a convinced Quaker, as Elisabeth's father John was. Convinced means being in unity with the Quaker faith even without formal membership or being born into the faith.
We requested the meeting to appoint a clearness committee as part of our preparation for marriage. Our clearness committee is made up of three couples: our friends Bill and Marygene Wright, Ted and Mary Marshburn and Anne and Bedford McIntosh. Ted was a classmate of Elisabeth's mother at Olney Friends School and Anne and Elisabeth grew up together going to Sunday school at First Friends.
Meeting with our clearness committee provides the opportunity to explore the nature of our commitment. Prayerful consideration in a relaxed atmosphere with good friends (not to mention Mary's fabulous cooking) has indeed been time well spent.
The origin of the concept of a clearness committee was to ensure that persons contemplating marriage were "clear" of any encumbrance. Nowadays, the name is used to describe a process of queries and discussion--a way of deepening communication in our relationship.
The clearness process differs from pre-marital counseling as it flows both ways. The committee determines our clearness to go ahead as well as its own commitment to embrace us as a couple. The meeting’s oversight and care of our marriage does not end with the celebration but endures throughout our lives and we value its role in nurturing, supporting and celebrating our marriage when times are easy and during difficult times as well.
Our next step will be the submission of a minute presented by the committee to First Friends monthly meeting recommending that the marriage go forward. A minute is a statement of belief that an individual or group would like to record for others to see, both now and in the future.
We joyfully anticipate monthly meeting this Sunday!
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